i see rocks

One observation I’ve made is that as my depression worsens, I fight it. I tell dear hubby what is going. I try to let out the feelings and not bottle them in. I write about it as ways to fight it. I shove my middle fingers at the black dog even with a paw on my chest. She patiently waits for me to hit rock bottom. But there’s comes a point when none of my kicking and screaming keeps it at bay.

Today is that day. Too many triggers this week. Too many crappy things happening at work. The wrong season of the year. Lots of the black dog’s puppies yipping at my heels and chewing my shoes. I’m done trying.

I still talk to hubby, but the kicking and screaming has stopped. It takes way too much energy. Raising up my middle finger is hard work. So is getting out of bed and bathing. Working at home allows for outbursts of many kinds, although it scares the our family dog. To be honest, I didn’t really want to write today. Yet my fingers are moving and I have dressed myself, so that is something.

I couldn’t get out of bed this AM. I missed two alarms. Lucy walked instead of getting her end-of-week ride to school. She heard me crying last night and ‘didn’t want to deal’ she said in a text. I don’t blame her. It isn’t a 16-year-old’s responsibility to deal with a depressive mother. Sorry I couldn’t be quieter with my anguish.

I am your junk mail today. You most likely delete these anyway, or move past my posts in your feed. It’s all good. I don’t hold grudges.It is days like today when I wonder why the fuck I even continue to write this blog. Not many people read it. Why bother? There are way better articles, blogs and the like out there. I am useless electronic noise taking up server space.

I write the truth. The black dog nods her head in approval and steps on my keyboard. Today I am queen of the backspace and auto-correct. I write the truth as I see it with crappy typing skills. Fuck even rereading this for clarity.

It’s Friday and Fried-day. I have to pony up this weekend as Lucy’s birthday is Monday and we’ve got thinks planned she likes. Ren Fest and the Art Festival and her birthday at the start of the week.

putting on my party face,

zooey