the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2
Our family has been bird watchers through feeding Cardinals, Juncos, Black Capped Chickadees, Finches, Flickers and Woodpeckers among others. They have graced feeders with color and activity. My parents positioned their dining table in from of a window. If I sit still in the morning, I can watch many types of birds eat their breakfast along with me. I associate birds with certain memories such as wren trills in my grandma’s garden. The cardinal pairs skittishly feeding at the winter feeders in my mom’s backyard.
One ‘autumn” bird I hear these days are crows. I remember their calls throughout my life, especially around corn and wheat harvesting, where they are most likely taking advantage of grain left in fields. The man vs. crow struggle shows in mythology across various cultures and countries. Harbingers, messengers of death and ghosts, and omens are three examples. There are also positive views: magical, tricky/playful and mysterious/unpredictable. Fearless. Determined. Creative along and in flocks.
A crow call is so sad. I heard one as I walked into my work building today and it made for a gloomy morning. A trigger? Sometimes. Triggers come in many forms. The five senses, situations such a relationship breaks, and grief are a few. Some say, ‘Be on your guard for triggers.’ That is very sentry-like. Of course we can read something to avoid a trigger. But we cannot prevent a trigger from happening. The best defense is to figure out a way to counter act a trigger behaviorally. This varies by person substantially.
Last night, my hubby discovered Mike Love in his crazy YouTube feed. We sat, transfixed by this musician. Not only is he a great singer, his song, “Permanent Holiday,” hit home. Very Regge in style, it appealed musically as well as lyrics. It starts:
About 1/3rd of the way through the song he sings:
… I won’t be manipulated, mind-controlled, and inundated
I will seek the Revelation, make my life a celebration
I will be the change I’m seeking, manifest the words I’m speaking
I refuse to be imprisoned. I will make my own decisions…
Recently, I’ve been evaluating my job in the corporate cube farm. I’ve been here for a long time. I’ve seen people I’ve worked with for over a decade leave to move on. I wonder if that is what I need to do often. I do like the people I work for and with. But the weekend and after hours work has left me drained. It isn’t healthy for my body or mind. They say working where I do is the ‘golden handcuffs’ of careers. They pay VERY well, so it’s hard to let go of it, thinking about an unknown future of where I’ll land next. That may actually be decided for me. The rumor mill confirmed by my awesome boss this morning is a fruit basket upset is due along with a drastic reorg and reduction of the workforce.
Crows are messengers of change. Summer bowed to Fall yesterday. As I heard the crow today, I wanted to close off the sound. I know I need to take steps in a different direction. The crow is relentless and will keep calling to me. Change is life. Life is changing as I write. Move it, sister.
P.S. I linked the song quoted above. If you only watch part of this long song, and want to skip to an awesome part, start about 4:20 and listen to beat box. I recommend the 10 minutes. The time is worth it. The song below is about No Regrets.
Life is just a test
With many failures and some success
But I will place my best
And I will leave here with no regrets