the art of mindbending

the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2

hey robot! you owe me money!

moneyIt’s always fun when you get unexpected bills in the mail.


Fucking not.

And yet, surprise! We owe the MRI folks $800 for the ‘just want to make sure it isn’t a kidney stone’ scan in December. This scan, which turned out to be ‘grossly normal’ was not covered by our stellar health plan. And of course, this bill, has all the makings of threat on it. YOU MUST PAY WHAT YOU OWE IMMEDIATELY. Mind you, this is the first statement, not the second or third, which might be written in a more accusatory tone. This is the first damn bill. The fuckers. Stan and I stopped spending money last pay period and some set aside. With the payday on Friday, and another round of cheap living, we CAN PAY WHAT WE FUCKING OWE.

I hate health care more and more each year. The leeches.

good-healthWhat brought on my wrath days after getting that bill? It’s my mom’s birthday today. She is now 78. My dad is 81. I don’t think they thought they would be around this long. At least that is what they’ve mentioned in passing for the last few years. It’s been a struggle for both with various health issues which drain their limited funds on a monthly basis. They even buy medicines through the mail from Canada for some items which are too expensive in the states.

I wonder about their health struggles and how my own ‘health’ will go nowhere but dvertigo-s1-what-isown. Stan and I experienced a couple of these over the past year. One which, when tested to the nth degree in the doctor’s office and then the emergency room came back as Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). This translates into dizziness. It is caused by my sinuses, which have always been bastards all my life. Sinuses get racked up. Then, I get drunkenly foot-on-the-floor-to-keep-the-world-from-spinning state. I don’t drive around these times. I am relegated to staying still until it passes. Dramamine is my dearest buddy. Another cost which yielded about $2000 in uncovered medical expenses.

3c124d3311a4cf1e276f68f019c30eafIt’s been a horrible week here at work. The stress of some of the stupidity around me and overall pressure of this new position are weighing me down. I am dipping into the depression funk day-by-day. I can feel my lack of emotion, the limbo before it gets bad. I’m using all the redirective thinking tools in my arsenal I learned from my therapist. I am guarding my sleep. I’m taking my meds. Yet here I sit, in robot mode, trying not to back away from everything and sit in the dark. Not a great place to be. Fuck you depression.

So today I keep dwelling on how long my lucky with fairly good physical health will last. When I will slide down into the oblivion that is old age life? I’ve been blessed with less health-related problems than most. Sure, I should be grateful to live this long in this manner. I’m an ungrateful sot. Many I know have not. Jeez, zooey, thanks for more guilt trip.

big_thumb_de16568fc4a7472a85d50c67abe50b24Today is not a funny or more interesting blog. It is what it is for the 2 people who actually read these posts.






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This entry was posted on January 28, 2016 by in Bipolar 2, family, Health, medicine, Mood and tagged , , , , , .
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