the art of mindbending

the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2

zee cracker of nuts

Yep. Nutcrackers. Not the ballet. There are no sugar plum fairies or snowflakes or sentinels dancing to the score by Tchaikovsky. Not that Nutcracker.

Not cutesy little nutcrackers made out of squirrels or more utilitarian tool made of two pieces of metal.  And before you grab your crotch in horror, not any sort of ball breaker either.

These nutcrackers are the tacky kind you find in Target or other big box stores. Collections of traditional and not so traditional nutcrackers made overseas for our holiday consumption. Now, we have FOUR of them on our mantle. Yep. Four freaking tacky nutcrackers.

Stan, Lucy and I were scouring the stores last weekend looking for an idea for the fireplace mantel. We are now burning wood in the fireplace again and were we were hesitant to hang stockings and other garb around it for fear of a sparky fire.  Out we went to hunt and gather. We looked at traditional stuff and found stuck-up deers with their noses in the air dressed in furs. We found tinsel presents and odd colored bottle brush Christmas trees. We found a creepy looking Santa and a weird little penguin. All of these were unanimously pew-pewed. The cats would have a field day or they were just too strange.

Then around the last corner were three shelves of nutcrackers. Stan picked one up. It had a bow and was carrying a fish. He bow hunts and likes to fish. Ferking perfect. Stan and Lucy were hooked…line and sinker. Lucy loves obnoxious pink and found a traditional one with a pink glitter jacket. I stood there, the last soldier. I was slightly intrigued…and a bit horrified.

rockerFor years I have written off these Christmas decorations.  Why would I ever put those in the house?  They had no appeal to me at all. Never. Blech. Then Stan and Lucy found two, eyes shining with delight at their finds, both with crazy grins on their faces. The deal was done. This was to be our new mantle decorations. I looked at their meaningful treasures, which so perfectly fit them in a nutcrackery sort of way….

I ended up with traditional nutcracker like Lucy’s but in my favorite color, green…and it was sparkly too. We picked out one more to make it an even 4 to span the shelf space. It was a Rocker Nutcracker. Funny because my husband plays the bass as well.

Never say never, again. It’s not just a Bond movie. Never is a word that bites me in the ass when I use it every freaking time.  “I will never make a quilt. I will never eat that. I will never put those weird little nutcrackers in my house.” The karma of the universe snickers.

Mouse king on my dance card,






3 comments on “zee cracker of nuts

  1. Rory
    December 2, 2015

    I love nutcrackers. Jenny and I will probably buy a handmade one in the German Christmas markets when we spend our Gap year there, along with ornaments and a cuckoo clock. The green one is really pretty!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. zooey
    December 2, 2015

    Of course green is best! Your way of acquiring one seems like a way more better location.


    • Rory
      December 3, 2015

      I’m living by a rule for possesions now: Will it survive Germany? If not, is it worth the cost to have it for just a few years? It means we aren’t buying a lot of stuff, because we have defined priorities. (So much easier to make responsible decisions) Jenny and I both love Christmas, and Germany, so we thought it would be a nice way to bring it home with us.


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This entry was posted on December 2, 2015 by in family, humor, silly and tagged , , , , , .
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