the art of mindbending

the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2

unsteady

x_ambassadors_0_1438037852Daughter Lucy has the talent of putting song phrases into my head. I hear her favorite bands while driving the car or from her room. She sings them in passing while doing chores. This makes me dangerously familiar with fragments of dozens of songs. All Lucy has to do is walk into the kitchen or computer room humming a part of a song and I get it stuck in my head. For days. I sing the phrase or chorus over and over.

Often I give up and look up the song, read the lyrics and listen to it a few times. It helps clear the brain. It also helps me understand Lucy a little bit better through her favorite songs.

In the past few months, Lucy has introduced me to the X Ambassadors and the song, “Unsteady.” It has a great chorus I related to immediately.

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady

When fighting to keep depression at bay, I rely on my dear hubby and close friends as I dig down to keep away the black dog. For a week I sang it the beautiful part of the song I strongly related to with gusto and abandon as I wrestled my demons and imagined the support around me.

Then I looked up these lyrics. It wasn’t the song I expected. Part of it said:

divorce_ringsMother, I know
That you’re tired of being alone
Dad, I know you’re trying
To fight when you feel like flying
But if you love me, don’t let go
If you love me, don’t let go

It is a song about divorce. I felt the joy of the song sour in my mouth.  How ironic is it…a song by the ‘X’ Ambassadors about my Ex.

I divorced my first husband to stay alive. The toxic nature of our relationship did nothing but feed my depression. Passive aggressive in nature, I received no support from him. He told me once after I offered to at least let him know how my treatment and therapy was going that, “Soon everything will be back to normal when your medication is right.” Yep, he said it. He lived with that view that bipolar 2 would just be fixed and swept under the carpet. Have any relapses? Not his to deal with. He ignored how shitty everything was between me and him up to the very end. Even my therapist agreed divorced would be better.

imageYears later. Divorce done. Remarried to an awesome hubby. And this failure of a doomed marriage still cuts me deep with guilt. Guilt over failure of 24 years. Guilt over what it did to Lucy. Divorce. Fucking. Sucks. No one wins.

There are a lot of shitty, judgmental ‘inspirational quotes’ out there which declare that marriage is tough and quitting is easy. These sayings don’t acknowledge how truly ugly a marital relationship can be. Generalized, quotes and sayings are dangerous when it comes to relationships which may be fraught with mental, verbal or physical abuse. There comes a point when it can’t be fixed or toughed out anymore. I’ve been there. I got out. Now if I could let go of this shit, yeah, that would be greeeeaaaat.

I love you Lucy, but I had to let go,

zooey

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One comment on “unsteady

  1. Rory
    October 30, 2015

    Jenny and I both remind ourselves that we wouldn’t have found each other if we hadn’t had our previous relationships. I joke that Jenny had to wait for me to ripen. Without her ex, we wouldn’t have our two amazing kids. She wouldn’t have her career, and pretty much everything would have kept us from being together one day.

    It doesn’t change the feeling of wasted years, but it allows both of us to switch from guilt and shame to gratitude, to a degree. It’s not perfect, but it helps us.

    I hope you find something that helps you. Hugs.

    Like

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This entry was posted on October 29, 2015 by in depression, divorce, family, guilt, life challenges and tagged , , , , , , .
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