the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2
Sometimes I like being at work, other times? Nosomuch. Like today. Twice, when helping others, I was ‘caught in the act’ of not working at my desk. This is not to say I was in trouble in any way, though. Not that I don’t put in long hours during the day and also during night deployments and damn weekends too. I don’t take smoke or coffee brakes. I rarely even leave my desk. I should be able to ferking look at something for goodness sake. But here I am, pissed at myself.
The first time, the man across from my desk was asking about getting a quilt made. I went online to show him a pattern to understand what he wanted. Right when I went out there, someone pinged me in IM. I answered to see what he wanted. Apparently that allowed him to share what he was seeing on my screen. BUSTED! I am on the ‘interweb’ and not testing! Such a lazy ass shirker. Why do I feel guilty for that? Well, I was embarrassed to be sure. I am on pretty good terms with my boss and told her about it. We laughed it off, but I still feel bad.
The second time, I was at my desk after a 10:30AM-1:30PM binge meeting run. No lunch and about 20 minutes left before my next marathon of conference calls all afternoon. A friend who crafts ornaments pinged me in Facebook messenger her email so I could pay her online. I got online to copy/paste her email and pay her and low and behold….someone came to use my stapler! Busted again. JesusHRooseveltChrist.
So here I sit, embarrassed at and angry for doing something I’ve seen many others do as I walk into their offices once in a while. Why can’t I forgive my situational stupidity? It’s much easier to forgive others for anything, but so hard for me to forgive myself. I am harder on myself than anyone else. It’s like there is a little judge sitting on a tiny bench in my head. Her feet don’t even touch the floor. There she sits, slamming down a gavel on what I eat, how I behave, how I handle a situation, how I look. A touch of embarrassment, verdict reached. Now it’s the guilt slammer for me. I wish I could stop this shit.
P.S. Please forgive typos, I pounded out during my remaining 10 minute lunch. Yes, I type really fast when pissed.