the art of mindbending

the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2

hairy legs

I HATE spiders. Unfortunately, they hate me back. I don’t care that they eat bugs or even small rodents. It’s not even the interpretive ninja dances when I directly come in contact with webs. It is the motherfuckers landing on my person to scare the shit and leaving their mark.

I’ve been bitten by spiders many summers in a row on average of 2 bites a season. This includes two recluse bits. I seriouslyspidercan’t remember when the spider biting started. No big deal, you say? Well spider bites on me last weeks. They swell huge in size, bigger than the diameter of my hand. They hurt several days and leave huge marks which look like dark red bruises and take forever to disappear. I have one now, two weeks old, that still looks horrible

Back in the day, we didn’t do diligent spraying in the house. That was before spider Olympics. Carnivorous creatures, the summer months, it was a macabre competition. Wolf spider ate spider. Eventually, the top three medalists remained in September/October. Then, in their fame and glory, they lay in wait for me to come down to present their awesomeness. Yes, they waited for ME. I swear. I am the only one in the house who found them. Because spiders. Because I was the recognizer of their glory.

2789996399_38ef2d33f4_bAs a small child, dear daughter would ask at breakfast, “Did you find a spider last night, Mom?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“I heard you scream downstairs.” Downstairs, two floors away from her bedroom. Yes, my screams are not petite for arachnids.

As a child, spiders would constantly land on me. I was skilled at the immediate, speedy swipe or splat, depending on the size of the spider. In the basement, I was not so lucky. The HUGENESS the insect required a slap on the wall and stomp on the ground from a flip flop.

Finally, I succumbed to spraying inside the house. It was time to create a, “You shall not pass!,” network of death. We create a barrier that startes in the basement in nooks, crannies plus and where the wall met the floor. We repeat the same process on the foundation of the house outside. Now, dead heroes display their huge hairy legs folded in defeat. (Cue to the crowd roaring in approval)

Sometimes we take a situation and bear it a long time. But there comes a point where something must be done. Change needs to be made and lines drawn. Fear is only one motivator. There are others such as irritation, toxic friendships, how folks are dealing with health issues. It’s not so bad once you start. Give it a whirl, or spray or sweep.

Skin no longer crawling in the basement,



2 comments on “hairy legs

  1. Rory
    September 15, 2015

    Woo for proactive slaughter! …That didn’t come out right. Our house is officially a no-kill zone for spiders right now. We’ve been infested with moths. You know those things that make grandmas put mothballs in their houses? Yeah, those things are everywhere. Mothballs, cedar, and a bug zapper that looks like a tennis racket have proven to be insufficient. Then we discovered a couple of hidden spiders’ nests, and they were full of carcasses. I cannot say how pleased I am atm. Of course, soon enough, I will be outvoted, and our home will once again be a spider-free zone.


  2. zooey
    September 15, 2015

    If I could ship the champions to you I would. But that would mean touching them. Fuck that!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


This entry was posted on September 15, 2015 by in Uncategorized.
%d bloggers like this: