the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2
It’s been a rough week for me, starting with a downhill slide into a depression level I’ve not experienced for a long time. I gave it the ‘talk to the hand’. I tried hard to ignore it. I thought about other things as much as I could. I used a lot of the techniques my therapist taught me. None worked. You see, this time it is not my IT plaguing me. I can pretty much dismiss a lot of those nagging, all-of-a sudden snide comments about my person it get randomly. This time, the IT is silent.
My spine and limbs are heavy. It aches and makes we want to just lay down on the floor or bed to stop it. Unfortunately, that does not help. And yes, I am sleeping the same amount: 7-8 a night with the help of meds. It is a very good thing that my job is sitting at a desk.
Examples: I’ve had to go to the bathroom (due to tea consumption) for about 2 hours. I should, but the thought of walking to the bathroom and the energy to do so is too much. There has also been a bottle of water on my desk, untouched since 8:30 AM. I just have no gumption of either cracking the lid or taking a drink. The desire not to be thirsty or to work on making sure I drink enough liquids each day is not registering as necessary. I catch myself sitting still, staring at the wall, doing nothing. Good thing I have a document out trying to read, I guess.
My mind has slowed down. Functioning takes a lot longer.
Smiling and acting ‘normal’ at work takes a huge amount of effort. I am dreading the ‘birthday lunch’ planned for a coworker today. Putting on the face of fine, making my way to whatever place she chooses and eating are not appealing. I hope it is postponed.
If I had my druthers, I’d just look at a wall, sit and stare, be still and not look at anything.
Cuddling with hubby doesn’t help. Cuddling with kitties doesn’t help. Helping at the soup kitchen last night didn’t help. Watching TV, currently Downton Abbey, and losing myself in the story, doesn’t help. Talking about it with the hubby doesn’t help. Listening/reading books doesn’t help.
You get the picture.
“I know how you feel”
You may. I know many understand. You may not. Honestly, it doesn’t matter either way. It’s just noise to me.
“You need to exercise”
Yes, I am getting some, outside and inside.
“It’s all in your head”
Yes, and I use tactics to work on that part. It’s also in my body. My mood chemistry sucks ass. This is why I take ‘a cocktail”. Even this fails sometimes.
“Get a different job”
I’ve applied. I am waiting for an offer. It has been delayed several months due to end-of-year job freezes. I am faced with starting again and alienating the relationship of those waiting to offer me a job. At this juncture, I am not ready to do that. I don’t have the luxury of just quitting. We have a mortgage, household bills and a car payment currently and not enough savings to just say sayonara.
I try. It’s hard to when in this state. Memes don’t help. They are glib and don’t take into account that depressed people cannot just pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I tried this for DECADES and it landed me in the worst state….a deadly state. (see look how lucky you are). I am pretty private, hence the pseudonym, and rarely confide where I am at anyway.
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself”
I don’t today. I just don’t give a fuck about me or anything else. It’s more of a numb feeling, not a poor me feeling.
“Could it be your relationship?”
Not hubby, not parents, not friends…no on all accounts. Next.
“Look at how lucky you are”
I am lucky. I have my health, my faculties, all my limbs and sight/hearing. I have a job, a family who loves me, a home and clothes on my back and food on the table. All of this is a rote chant. A standard answer. It is there, I just can’t process it into ‘luck’.
“Everyone has problems”
Yep. I don’t think I’m the only one. Big or small problems, this is true. I am not judging other people’s problems, nor even comparing my life to theirs.
“Life is hard”
Yep. This is true in for everyone. I am also other people’s problems and situations. I may know a few people’s situations, but even those folks I have only a glimpse into everything in their lives.
I appreciate Rory’s blog. It helps me to look at things as best I can at the moment. It spurred me to respond and record where I am right now.
Until next time,