the art of mindbending

the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2

trigger finger

tumblr_muxp2vMGo71sorlr9o1_1280

Vikings series: The King’s Snake Pit

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this state. I’ve had a good run. Months of positive attitude with no real downslide into the snake pit of darkness…even waiting a full business quarter for an offer due out of my hell  hole to job freezes, even when a dear aunt of mine, who spent a half a year in hospice, died after Christmas. Things have been pretty good, until last night.

I took my daughter to her therapist appointment. She was sort of a dick on the way over there, but that is to be expected. Seems she works up all her hurts to tell Eve. Most of them are about me.  No matter. In the middle of the session, she CALLS me from the therapist office. Mind you, we go Eve’s house and I am sitting outside the door. The fact that she did not just open the door to talk to me face-to-face made me feel like dirt.

It seems she forgot to tell me that she was invited to the Winter Dance.  She wanted to see if Eve could go shopping with us for a dress since her 8th grade dance dress would probably be too short.   Ok, so now I am paying a therapist to shop with us?  How was this going to work?  Who was coordinating times?  I was sorta shocked at the way she told/asked me as well as the method and content.

Second, Eve and daughter came out after their session and said she needs to focus and ‘stay out of trouble’. I’m not sure what that means, actually other than she has lost texting privileges twice lately for writing me the nastiest, spoiled letter and for texting on Christmas Eve and Christmas day to her friends, which she was specifically asked not to do.

Apparently, she wants to look at colleges in Iowa. Funny, I’d been talking to her about colleges, grades and activities which are expected for entrance into a college. I was glad she was finally interested in this, yet I was sad that it took Eve to say it, and say it in a way that made me feel like this has never been talked about in the past. Her thought, I said, was great, but I pointed Iowa is not our home state. There are a lot of good colleges and universities here.  In order to go out of state, she will need to work towards scholarships. Daughter then pointed out that the Ex planned to move to Iowa.  There was a lot of conversation about logistics of such an assumed move for her benefit (other than the fact that he would have to live there a year prior and that means little contact from miles away.) The message I got from the whole conversation is, “I want to move as far away as possible from you.”

Can't Argue with thatAs we drove home, I noted the way I felt when she told me about the dance.  I request she coordinate said shopping trip with Eve.  I said I had no idea if we would be charged for that time, too, and that I felt that I was just along for the payment of said dress.  We drove home the rest of the way in silence.

At dinner she wouldn’t speak unless we interacted and then only minimally. She didn’t look at anyone, either. She stayed away from us the rest of the night. She went to school without speaking to anyone this AM.

Daughter is one of my triggers. She can be the nastiest bitch toward me. And frankly, it hurts. My IT has reared its ugly head again. It whispers that I have been her care taker most of her life, but she treats me like dirt.  I am basically the money bag for her desires. I am nothing to her unless I can give her what she wants.

Just once, I’d like the daughter to do something that is not required. To offer to do something, even. It would be so refreshing to have her thank me for something without a lot of prompting.  She does fine with thanking other people, but her courtesies towards me are abominable.  Although dear hubby supports decisions made for daughter as does the ex, I dole out discipline. I am the main the driver of what is to be taught. This makes me her central ‘bad person’ that she has to deal with all the time. I try to teach her responsibility. To help her understand that in life, there are consequences. There will be times when she is expected to do what she is asked to do, regardless. She will need to think about people other than herself. She will have to apologize for being an asshole, even when she doesn’t want to do it. She will need to look at her actions and how they affect others. Her education is important and helps shape her path.  My hope is that sometimes what I say in the form of suggestion or instruction wasn’t taken as pure bullshit. The list goes on.

Yet, even though ‘she is just a teenager’, it seems not enough today.  The trigger happened and no amount of Downton Abbey or love from dear hubby is helping this downward trend, which includes intermittent sudden tears and the growing heaviness in my spine.  I hope this passes soon. I hope I don’t just stay with this IT snake, burrowing into my psyche. But at this moment, I just don’t see it.

If you’ve actually gutted out to the bottom of this blog, I have other comments not relating to this depressive state. Lately I’ve debated quitting this blog and Facebook page.  After all, my readership is dismal and there are far better examples of blogs about bipolar life. Who am I fooling by doing this anyway?  Perhaps it’s time to just stop it. This is not a plea for attention or stroking about continuing to blog. It’s just how I feel about it.  Basically, I’m just not seeing the point of continuing.

Until later, maybe,

zooey

overcoming-feelings-inadequacy-19665640

Advertisements

9 comments on “trigger finger

  1. Jenny Williams
    January 8, 2014

    You write for YOU, not for others. It doesn’t matter how many people read it. It’s therapy to write. Keep it up.

    Also, the teen years are really, REALLY rough for some people. She’s likely taking it all out on you because you’re the person who loves her the most, the one who she knows will be there no matter what. During my most difficult teen years, I was really hard on my mom. But she kept telling herself that I treated her badly because I loved her and felt safe with her. I could be totally myself and let it all out. It wasn’t fair to her, of course, but in the end she understood. And we have an extremely strong relationship today, and have ever since I was about 16 (age 14 and 15 were rough for me).

    I can’t make it all better, and the advice, “hang in there, this too shall pass,” probably isn’t helpful, but it’s true. Keep loving her, in emotion and in action. She will appreciate it and take in what you say, even if she doesn’t respond positively to it right now. It will reap benefits later.

    Hugs and love. You are important. You are special. You are fantastic. You are loved. You MATTER.

    Like

  2. zooey
    January 8, 2014

    Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I have heard a lot of this before. I am just plain tired of being treated like this by her. It’s extremely hard to let this stuff pass over or roll off my back, especially with also dealing with BP2 on top of it. I am not asking for her to treat me with kid gloves either. I just wish I wasn’t her person to drag behind a horse. I know this blog is written for me, but I also have a private blog. My point is, why even do this one? One of the purposes was eduction. I can just go back to that and move on with it. This one seems to benefit no one.

    Like

  3. Rory
    January 8, 2014

    No matter how/where you write, I will read it.
    Noting on the kid: It can just plain suck to be the main punitive force in someone’s life. Be very specific if/when you have to correct her, and remind her that nothing is a right, it is all privilege. One of my favorite things so far in our house has been “no electronic months” for the kids. Have her put up the computer, the phone, whatever. She can see her friends at school, and if she wants to talk to distant relatives or whatever, she can get permission for that specific interaction. Hell, she can just call or write someone.

    As for whether this blog helps anyone, you never know. It has been really interesting to see my blog soar and sink over the last year. There have been months when I have no readers, but I keep writing anyway. I write for myself, not for others, but I leave it open to everyone just in case it helps 1 friggin person. I’ve had a few emails over the last year. I’ve never been flooded by them, but they do happen sometimes. Every one of them has been a surprise, especially because the things that help people aren’t always the crazy-I’m-going-to-die posts. Sometimes, it’s just that I’m writing.

    Hugs. Your doubts are not unique, but they are valid. If you don’t think this blog is helping YOU, then do what you feel is best. You are not alone, and we love you.

    Like

    • zooey
      January 8, 2014

      I do all the things you are speaking of for electronics, phone, computer, etc. That stuff is her currency and it is the first to go. I even put an app on her phone to monitor her activity and restrict the phone during sleeping or school times. I am tired of writing into a void. I shouldn’t care about readership, but I do. Which in and of itself is pretty sad, actually. Thanks for your response. Loves.

      Like

      • Rory
        January 8, 2014

        Loves. Just shared a link on the Fb page. Check it out. Seems a bit helpful.

        Like

  4. zooey
    January 8, 2014

    Thanks

    Like

  5. faye910
    January 9, 2014

    Teens love the game of pitting therapist against parent. I would assume Eve is not falling for it the way it may sometimes appear to you. The shopping thing sounds like a bad idea. Eve is not a family member or friend.

    Can’t speak to which blog you should continue, as long as you blog somewhere.

    Like

  6. zooey
    January 9, 2014

    I agree about the therapist. Seems last night she now doesn’t want to go to the dance. She did finally apologize for being an arse last night. I talked to her why I do some of the things I do –those mentioned above. (she finally got texting back after two weeks this AM). Not that she will believe that I do things because I love her to help her be a great person in her lilfe.

    I had two bad days in a row and seem to be coming out of it. I wish I felt like writing more when I wasn’t so down. Right now, I’ll leave this up. Thanks for your comments 😀

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: