the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this state. I’ve had a good run. Months of positive attitude with no real downslide into the snake pit of darkness…even waiting a full business quarter for an offer due out of my hell hole to job freezes, even when a dear aunt of mine, who spent a half a year in hospice, died after Christmas. Things have been pretty good, until last night.
I took my daughter to her therapist appointment. She was sort of a dick on the way over there, but that is to be expected. Seems she works up all her hurts to tell Eve. Most of them are about me. No matter. In the middle of the session, she CALLS me from the therapist office. Mind you, we go Eve’s house and I am sitting outside the door. The fact that she did not just open the door to talk to me face-to-face made me feel like dirt.
It seems she forgot to tell me that she was invited to the Winter Dance. She wanted to see if Eve could go shopping with us for a dress since her 8th grade dance dress would probably be too short. Ok, so now I am paying a therapist to shop with us? How was this going to work? Who was coordinating times? I was sorta shocked at the way she told/asked me as well as the method and content.
Second, Eve and daughter came out after their session and said she needs to focus and ‘stay out of trouble’. I’m not sure what that means, actually other than she has lost texting privileges twice lately for writing me the nastiest, spoiled letter and for texting on Christmas Eve and Christmas day to her friends, which she was specifically asked not to do.
Apparently, she wants to look at colleges in Iowa. Funny, I’d been talking to her about colleges, grades and activities which are expected for entrance into a college. I was glad she was finally interested in this, yet I was sad that it took Eve to say it, and say it in a way that made me feel like this has never been talked about in the past. Her thought, I said, was great, but I pointed Iowa is not our home state. There are a lot of good colleges and universities here. In order to go out of state, she will need to work towards scholarships. Daughter then pointed out that the Ex planned to move to Iowa. There was a lot of conversation about logistics of such an assumed move for her benefit (other than the fact that he would have to live there a year prior and that means little contact from miles away.) The message I got from the whole conversation is, “I want to move as far away as possible from you.”
As we drove home, I noted the way I felt when she told me about the dance. I request she coordinate said shopping trip with Eve. I said I had no idea if we would be charged for that time, too, and that I felt that I was just along for the payment of said dress. We drove home the rest of the way in silence.
At dinner she wouldn’t speak unless we interacted and then only minimally. She didn’t look at anyone, either. She stayed away from us the rest of the night. She went to school without speaking to anyone this AM.
Daughter is one of my triggers. She can be the nastiest bitch toward me. And frankly, it hurts. My IT has reared its ugly head again. It whispers that I have been her care taker most of her life, but she treats me like dirt. I am basically the money bag for her desires. I am nothing to her unless I can give her what she wants.
Just once, I’d like the daughter to do something that is not required. To offer to do something, even. It would be so refreshing to have her thank me for something without a lot of prompting. She does fine with thanking other people, but her courtesies towards me are abominable. Although dear hubby supports decisions made for daughter as does the ex, I dole out discipline. I am the main the driver of what is to be taught. This makes me her central ‘bad person’ that she has to deal with all the time. I try to teach her responsibility. To help her understand that in life, there are consequences. There will be times when she is expected to do what she is asked to do, regardless. She will need to think about people other than herself. She will have to apologize for being an asshole, even when she doesn’t want to do it. She will need to look at her actions and how they affect others. Her education is important and helps shape her path. My hope is that sometimes what I say in the form of suggestion or instruction wasn’t taken as pure bullshit. The list goes on.
Yet, even though ‘she is just a teenager’, it seems not enough today. The trigger happened and no amount of Downton Abbey or love from dear hubby is helping this downward trend, which includes intermittent sudden tears and the growing heaviness in my spine. I hope this passes soon. I hope I don’t just stay with this IT snake, burrowing into my psyche. But at this moment, I just don’t see it.
If you’ve actually gutted out to the bottom of this blog, I have other comments not relating to this depressive state. Lately I’ve debated quitting this blog and Facebook page. After all, my readership is dismal and there are far better examples of blogs about bipolar life. Who am I fooling by doing this anyway? Perhaps it’s time to just stop it. This is not a plea for attention or stroking about continuing to blog. It’s just how I feel about it. Basically, I’m just not seeing the point of continuing.
Until later, maybe,