the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2
I hate taking pills, in fact, medicine of any kind. If I have a bad headache, I most often wait most of the day before taking anything for the pain. I often try to go without allergy meds ‘just in case’ I can now stop only to get a migraine. I hate cough drops and Nyquil. If my stomach is sour or the stress has given me a stomach ache at work, I delay taking something for my tummy. I really would rather not take any pills…ever.
I look at my mom, who takes literally a printed page describing the pills she needs split into three times a day, and inwardly shudder. Her pill container rallies the size of the book. I look at it with dread. I wondered, would this be my future? Am I doomed to be tied to pills for the rest of my life?
Now, I have a pattern of refilling meds for the week on Sunday. This Sunday, the black cloud of doom settled on my shoulders as I sat with the various pill containers, filling my dial-a-day pill and nighttime containers. The cocktail now exists, that special combination which levels me out and makes life bearable. My initiation into pill-land was BP2. Here I am, stuck on this road. I was instantly sad and discouraged.
This is a dangerous time for me. There are two situations where pill-taking is at risk. The first is realizing I am stuck taking pills for the rest of my life now and I don’t want to be in this place. The other risky time is when I am very depressed, when I can talk myself out of needing pills which are, “not really helping,” after all.
I lived a long time without a diagnosis, years with long periods of no sleep or debilitating depression. Yet, I have this small nagging voice which remembers those times. Shebattles that illogical view to take medication. I use the visual image of keeping the BP2 monster at bay with a sword and shield. My fighter, girded in mail on the field, slashing, dodging, pushing back the giant beast Lol I guess my love of MMORPG games helps me more than just as a way to pass time.