the art of mindbending

the life of zooey who happens to be Bipolar 2

panic at the disco or waiting for the other shoe to drop

shoe

No, not the band. Me.

Recently, I’ve been plagued with thoughts of dying…of not living enough. I wake up with the scenario and it plays out in my head, making me sad. Not depressed, just sad.  I think of dying before I ‘expect to die’ which, in itself, is a long way away. Ironically, in the past, I wanted to just end that entirely and check out permanently.  No I have a different conundrum.  I’m too happy?

Funny, eh?  I’ve been so happy lately that I think it will all come crashing down soon. I have a husband now who absolutely adores me and tells me so and shows me in so many ways. We have so much fun together. I cherish and love him so much.  How did I land a dream-man?  I still have no idea.  I can’t imagine life without him, ever. I am afraid I won’t have enough happy time left.  I want my days on earth as a happy person to fully outweigh those ‘other’ days.  Desperately.

Will it be my health?  Will that be my downfall as I approach the next decade of my life?  I do the math. I think about how old my grandparents were before they passed. How old my parents are now. I have very few decades left.  Whatever I have left just won’t be enough time with the dear hubby.  I guess approaching 50 early next year had brought this out. Fuck, I don’t FEEl like I am almost 50 at all.

How to get past these panic moments, sometimes for days, as I move with joy around the dance floor with my soul mate?  How to not listen for that other shoe to drop?  I want to just live every day to the fullest like dear hubby says.

I so want to.  I guess I’ll just keep on dancing and hope for the best.

zooey

p.s. Thank you meds for letting me be sad and panicky but not depressed. Wow, I just said that!

disco99

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2 comments on “panic at the disco or waiting for the other shoe to drop

  1. Rory
    November 25, 2013

    My newly discovered downfall with anti-depressants is sadness. With all the other emotions leaking out, I just have more room for sadness on my plate. I know you will have all the happy you want or need. Much love.

    Like

  2. D
    November 26, 2013

    It’s weird being able to be sad and not have it spiral down into depression. I can’t remember when that happened in the past. Safe to say it has been years. I can’t use antidepressants at all. They do nothing for my mood. Lamcital, however, is my magic drug.

    Like

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This entry was posted on November 18, 2013 by in depression, Health, Mood, Quality of Life and tagged , , , , , .
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